I had been punished growing up for even sighing too loudly as I was berated or called names or strike. I was punished for having emotions that will weren’t pleasant. If I wasn’t cheerful enough and someone mentioned this, I’d get “the look”, as though somehow my not being outwardly happy was a reflection on the mother’s parenting? I guess? That appearance made my stomach sink plus made me panic so poor that I’d see white. Occasionally I wonder why, she never truly did anything. She would just get frosty and withdrawn from me. Great I don’t know how to let anything at all out. It just claws inside my insides and suffocates me, gathering and up until I have a breakdown with out and either I obtain hurt or somebody else does, with no matter what I try- art, performing, writing- nothing gets it from me. It’s just so much that will anything coming out at all is so…. Damaging. How do I fix that? What do I actually do about that? How do you learn to express feelings from scratch well beyond the point associated with such loud, intense, uncontrollable feelings being allowed? Where do I visit do this if it hurts people to find me that way and hurts me personally if nobody is watching to ensure it won’t?
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